Twelve Things a Stepmother Should Never Say
It ranks alongside air traffic controllers and crane operators as one of the most difficult jobs. Stepmothers preside over a minefield of unspoken hurts, half-hidden traditions, and the occasional tug of war. Do you want the job? Rosemary Rogers takes you on a tour of the property.
It has been said that parenting is the most difficult job in the world. That is incorrect. It's the second most difficult: stepparenting comes out on top. Approximately half of all Americans now live in a stepfamily, which means that millions of women are subjected to the taunt—sometimes mournful, often angry—"You're not my mother!" on a daily basis.
I've taken on the role of stepmother three times. I know from hard-won experience that you can have a great relationship with your stepkids. And if you avoid certain pitfalls, such as the 12 forbidden phrases listed here, you'll not only get along, but you'll never have to ask them to pick up their socks.
1. "Call me Mom!"
You are not their mother, and you will never be. They're already conflicted, and forcing them to use a mother's name will only confuse them further.
Corollary: "We're going to be one big, happy family!"
You may eventually become the happiest of stepfamilies, but it will take time.
According to studies, the new family dynamic takes at least three years to settle in, with the first year being the most difficult.
2. "Feel liberated! You can do whatever you want."
Children require boundaries almost as much as they require love, and they are lost without them. Learn to say (not scream) the phrase "In this house, we..." so that your time together isn't stifled by endless negotiations.
"Let's get down!" says the corollary.
You're still a parent figure, no matter how close in age you are to your stepchildren; try to be an example of mature living rather than 'one of the gang.' This is especially true if your stepchildren are among the psychotic subset known as teenagers.
They're not going to think you're cool for long.
3. "I'll get it," "I'll drive it," "I'll wash it," "I'll forget about it," and so on.
Don't let your stepchildren (or their father) turn you into the creature everyone despises: a martyr. Martyrs make people feel creepy and guilty, and when children feel this way, they tend to act out. You're better off being nefarious.
4. "What's with the long face?"
Your stepchildren are entitled to be sad because they are in mourning. Allow them to grieve as they see fit. Sorry, but they'll probably grieve more in your presence because you're proof that their parents will never reconcile. Don't draw attention to their anguish; instead, remove yourself and ask Dad to be a mother at this point. Their sadness will pass; they are children.
5. "Your father and I have always..."
When they aren't present, don't bring up the good times you had with their father. They already feel left out, and they probably imagine the two of you rolling your eyes, spending large sums of money, and throwing Ring Ding wrappers on the floor (not to mention the sexual fantasies going on in their fevered little brains). Simply be a loving couple if you want to give them a positive image of a loving couple.
6. "Did your mother raise you to do that?"
Never bad-mouth the ex, and don't let your husband (or partner) either, even if the fur is still flying. According to studies, the ongoing conflict after divorce is the most damaging to children.
"How could you have married such a moron?" says the corollary.
Don't make faces and stick your finger down your throat next to him while he's on the phone with his ex. Don't send her letters or e-mails, and if she's a jerk, get caller ID. Fighting about the ex—dubbed the "ex hex"—is like having a stink bomb thrown into your marriage.
7. "Have you always done it like that?"
Families have special traditions that mean a lot to them. So, if your husband and his kids insist on watching Hogan's Heroes reruns, putting mayo on hot dogs, collecting rubber bands, or doing anything else you find repulsive, just keep your mouth shut.
8. "Your room is filthy!"
Something has to give, and neatness should be the culprit. If the situation is dire and the kids' space is becoming overrun with subspecies, get Dad to go in there and organize a cleanup. Life is complicated, and it gets even more complicated when you choose a man with children. But keep in mind that having a man with children is preferable to having a man without children who flosses his cat's teeth.
9. "Well, my children and I..."
If you have kids of your own who live with you and your husband, your stepkids may feel like they're getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop. Mentioning trips, restaurants and the fun stuff you did the weekend they were with their mom feeds the illusion that your children are getting more. Be clear that there are no favorites and everything is even between both sets of kids.
From the May 2003 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
Related: 7 Things Every Stepmom Needs To Hear
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