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 5 Ways to Be a Great Stepdad

Being a stepfather is like entering an emotional minefield. He tries to heal the wounds of his past while also building a new marriage with his wife and settling into this new family situation with his wife's children and possibly children from his previous marriage. And all of this happens in the aftermath of your wife's ex-husband, who seems to linger mystically, if not physically, in the shadows of this new household. It is unsurprising that a high proportion of abuse cases occur in step or mixed families.

But there are some of you who are true instruments of hope and healing in fatherless homes, and you deserve to be recognized for your willingness to step in and be a father figure for those who do not have one. You're up against a formidable obstacle.

You're more of a mentor than a father as a stepfather. You are a helper, a caregiver, a sort of steward who provides the children with needed perspective and serves as an important source of strength as they grow and mature. You don't have the responsibility that your wife does in raising them (though you can earn that responsibility over time), but you do have the same, if not greater, influence over them. Here are 5 ways to reduce the stress of being a stepfather.

1. Continue to foster the children's relationship with their biological father.

In second (or third) marriages, everyone in the household often tries to forget the ex-husband completely. But no matter how hard you try, you can't forget him, and the kids can't either. If you try to ignore his existence, to keep his bones in the closet, you can be certain that your children will not only drag those bones out but will use them as weapons against you and your wife sooner or later, most likely during a confrontation.

The better option is to be open and honest about him in your family. If he is still trying to be involved with his children, encourage him, remembering that he is their father and that his children need to be reconciled to him and feel at peace with their relationship with him. You may develop a long-lasting and rewarding relationship with your stepchildren, but portraying yourself as the "new father" and expecting them to accept you as a replacement for their biological father is asking for trouble in the future, if not right away.

2. Discuss discipline and exercise extreme caution when implementing it.

Perhaps the most difficult issue for a new stepfather is determining how and to what extent you should be involved in your children's discipline. Here are two examples of how to handle a situation correctly and incorrectly:

Janice married Reggie because they were both in need of each other. They both had issues from previous marriages and decided they could help each other heal. Reggie believed in strict discipline, so he naturally began to exert control over Janice's children, and Janice felt it was appropriate to yield to him.

Reggie, on the other hand, was imposing expectations on her children for which she had not prepared them, and instead of shielding her children from his harsh discipline and criticism, she gave him complete authority over them. He had taken it upon himself to instill his own opinions on their music and many of their other habits—things she had never given much thought to in the past.

Reggie was not well received by the children, as one might expect. Not long after he moved in, the family entered counseling, one son became a delinquent, and one of Janice's daughters received psychiatric care and was eventually placed in another home.

This family exemplifies the significant and long-lasting consequences that occur when a stepfather assumes or is pushed into the role of a disciplinarian with his new children.

Norm and Trudy are a completely different story. Trudy and her children were completely disillusioned after her divorce. When Norm, who had never married, met Trudy and began to consider marriage, their plans included Trudy's four children. They talked about his role in discipline—he would back Trudy up and support her decisions, and if he had any questions or disagreements, he would discuss them privately, away from the kids.

Norm's sensitivity not only won him a loving wife, but her children saw him as an answer to their prayers. His love for Trudy has strengthened their marriage and given her children a sense of security in the home. Men like Norm should give us all hope that there are men out there who can provide the male leaders that our children require.

3. Set aside regular time away from the children as a couple.

It is critical, even more so than in first marriages, that you and your wife spend time alone strengthening and revitalizing your marriage. Aside from the benefits, you will experience as a couple, your stepchildren will find great comfort in your dedication to one another. They've already seen one marriage fail, and some of the children blame themselves. Their daily outlook will be greatly improved if they sense love and commitment from their mother and stepfather at home.

These outings can also be used to reassess and plan as a parenting team. If all wives serve as sort of ambassadors between fathers and their children, stepfathers require them even more. Your wife is the most important person in the situation. She is well acquainted with you, as are her children. She is also familiar with the children's father's influence, as well as his strengths and weaknesses. This can be a period of true enlightenment in which you solicit feedback on your interactions with the children, compare notes, and gain valuable insights into the children's behavior.

4. Experiment with acceptance.

It's important to recognize right away that this new family will take some getting used to. It will also take time for them. There will be times when you will feel as if you are an outsider. That is why it is critical for you to take the initiative and demonstrate unconditional acceptance to the children. Be adaptable in your mannerisms and personal habits, and be a healthy role model for someone who cheerfully accepts your new family members as they are, flaws and all. Your openness and willingness to deal with their quirks and unique family environment will be contagious, encouraging them to accept you more easily.

5. Don't make her children call you "Dad."

Your wife's marriage to you has introduced her children to new (and not entirely welcome) obligations and commitments that they have not chosen to make. Forcing them to accept you on these terms will only lead to resentment, especially among older children. Allow the children to define their own comfort zones in relation to you. Your desire for a quick and smooth transition is natural, but it will be best served by patience as you earn your wife's children's respect and love over time.

If your husband meets all these requirements, he deserves to be treated with Best Step Dad T Shirts Step Dad Shirts. 

Related:  5 things a stepdad does only when he truly loves your children