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 10 WAYS TO SUPPORT YOUR WIFE AS A STEPMOM

I just asked my wife how long she's been a stepmother. She was almost certainly down to the second. “It's been four years, four months, and four days.” She's accomplished a lot in her life — she's run half marathons, earned a master's degree, and even changed the oil on fifty trucks a day for a summer job — but nothing has tested her as much as being a stepmother to my two sons who visit every weekend.

She has risen to the occasion admirably, but it has been a long road. She has felt isolated and misunderstood at times. To be there for her, I had to figure out what she really needed from me. Having a blended family is still extremely difficult, but our teamwork and communication have improved dramatically.

Here are ten things to keep in mind as you support your wife as a stepmother:

1. SHE REQUIRES TIME TO EMERGE IN UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

This type of love is twice as difficult for her. It does not run naturally through her veins for your children. Because they are your flesh and blood, you can forgive and be patient with them much more easily. Don't expect her to always be a bubbling, joyful, and loving stepmother. Allow love to develop over time.

2. SHE REQUIRES YOU TO BE PATIENT WITH HER DISAPPOINTMENTS.

She is constantly settling for less than she had hoped for. You were a great catch, but what came along with you shattered some of her dreams. No woman ever imagines having to share finances between two households or having another woman's schedule and decisions affect her life. Her romantic ideals did not include having dates with you interrupted with text messages from your ex.

3. SHE REQUIRES YOU TO BE A CHEERLEADER, NOT A CRITIC.

The "evil stepmother" is an outlier, not the norm. Most stepmothers put in a lot of effort in their roles. They want this messed-up thing called a blended family to work. Your wife is most likely already working to improve. She may even believe she is a failure. If you must bring up a recurring issue, do so over a romantic dinner and first tell her how wonderful she is.

4. SHE AND THE KIDS REQUIRE TIME TO WORK OUT THEIR RELATIONSHIP.

Men like to fix things, but in blended family relationships, this can backfire spectacularly. Well-intended suggestions can be misconstrued as an implicit criticism, making a stepmother feel bad about herself. It can also come across as pushy to her and the child.

5. SHE REQUIRES YOUR SUPPORT.

Stepmothers do not gain respect the moment they become a part of a new family unit. Respect is typically earned over time. If she corrects the children or declines their latest request, tell them, "You heard what your stepmom said!" If you disagree, express your feelings to her privately and gently. If the kids are defiant toward her, make sure they understand you are just as much a part of the decision as they are. Form a unified front and refuse to budge.

6. SHE NEEDS YOU TO APPRECIATE HER EFFORT.

It's always a good idea to show your appreciation to your partner, but it's especially important when she's a stepmom. She might not get many hugs and kisses or "I love yous" from the kids. “Thank you for cooking this amazing dinner for us!” says the model. Remind your children to say "thank you." When you're alone together, be specific in your praise. “You work really hard putting those school lunches together.” “Thank you for your patience when this place turns into a zoo every weekend.”

7. SHE REQUIRES YOU TO LISTEN WITHOUT PERSONALIZING THINGS.

I'm sure you've been there: your partner is upset and telling you everything, but then you become defensive. Your pride suffers as a result of you taking it personally. You have the impression that she is requesting a life that you are unable to provide.

8. SHE REQUIRES YOU TO RESPECT HER PERSPECTIVE ON THE SITUATION.

Your assessment of the situation is insufficient. Your previous experiences with your ex-spouse have shaped the way you see things. You also experience a range of emotions, which influence how you communicate with your ex. As you navigate decisions as a team or try to resolve conflicts with your ex-spouse, your partner can provide a fresh perspective and valuable wisdom. When you seek her advice, she will feel validated.

9. SHE REQUIRES A HOME OF HER OWN.

Children have an uncanny ability to take over a home. Every room becomes a playground, and it may appear that there are only two volumes — loud and louder.

We all need space to stay sane, but your wife needs it even more as a stepmom. She might not be used to the upheaval. Make a special area for her that is off-limits to the kids, or buy her a new reading chair for your bedroom. She will then have more energy to devote to her family.

10. SHE REQUIRES ALL OF YOU TO HERSELF MORE THAN ONCE IN AWHILE.

With second marriages having a divorce rate that is even higher than first marriages, it is critical that you make time to be together. Make a reservation for a night away. Maintain a regular date night. Take a trip every now and then. If you don't schedule it, it won't happen. When you're away, just concentrate on each other. Don't bring up the mess.

Your wife will feel respected, understood, and cared for as you work to remember and prioritize her needs. She will become even more determined to be the best stepmother she can be. Your marriage will become a source of strength and joy as you face even the most difficult challenges in your blended family, and your children will feel more secure as they see what a healthy marriage looks like.

Besides, it's a great idea to spoil your wife every day, especially Mother's Day. Grab Stepmom Shirts An Awesome Bonus Mom Here I Am Killing It to make her feel loved.

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