New Dad? Here Are the Top 10 Things You Need to Know
As a seasoned father of three and parenting expert, I felt it was time to share some of my knowledge with all you new daddies out there. We all feel a little unprepared (read: completely freaked out) when our first child is born, and it helps to have access to some friendly advice, even from me, a doofus dad. That's right: I haven't figured it all out yet. But I do know ten things you should know before becoming a father.
10. YOU WILL ONCE IN A WHILE COME IN CONTACT WITH POOP. IT'S ALL RIGHT.
When you're new to changing diapers, you're bound to come into contact with poop on a regular basis. Don't get too worked up. If you touch baby poop, you will not be warped for life as adult poop will. As far as excrement goes, it's as tasteless as anything on the market. At first, it doesn't even smell that bad. Around six months, the baby begins to add stink molecules.
9. YOU NO LONGER OWN YOUR HOUSE.
Just get used to the fact that your carefully arranged, fragrant, freshly carpeted home is no longer a thing. It is now a home for a family. Within the next two years, the carpet will be permanently stained, every empty space will be filled with plastic baby toys, every electronic device will mysteriously be disabled, and any breakable item placed less than three feet off the ground will be broken. I recommend hanging your valuables from the ceiling, just like you would if you were camping in bear country.
8. PURCHASE A MINIVAN.
Sure, I understand. You vowed you'd never be a minivan guy, and you don't intend to become one now. Minivans aren't cool, stylish, sexy, or anything else.
However, guess what? To the outside world, you are no longer who you once were. You're a dad who needs to transport items.
7. ALWAYS KEEP A SUITABLE NUMBER OF WIPES WITHIN ARM'S REACH DURING DIAPER CHANGES.
A baby-changing table is similar to a workbench; always has the necessary tools on hand. Remember that just because you've thoroughly cleaned your baby's bum doesn't mean more poop isn't on the way. A newborn has an amazing capacity for producing the substance, and poop can and will appear at any time and without warning. Be prepared for the unexpected.
Also, unless you enjoy pee fountains, always place a bath cloth or diaper rag over your baby's Johnson during the changing process if he is a boy.
6. SPIT-UP AND VOMIT ARE NOT THE SAME THING.
Don't be concerned about being spit on. It's practically the same as if someone spilled warm milk on your shirt. Simply peel that one off and replace it with another for the baby to spit upon. Don't worry about it; buy your T-shirts at Goodwill.
Everything changes, however, when spit-up becomes vomit. It is imperative that vomit be avoided at all costs. If God forbid, you find yourself alone with a vomited child and must deal with it, I recommend wearing a bandana or buff over your face, safety glasses, rubber gloves, and a bath towel that can be burned immediately after. Don't even look at the vomit directly. This has the potential to have long-term consequences. Take a look to the side.
5. PURCHASE BUGS BUNNY DVDs.
When your child is old enough that WWII movies are no longer appropriate to watch in his or her presence, have some Bugs Bunny on hand, either on DVD or download. This way, the child can learn proper humor and sarcasm while also avoiding shows like "Dinosaur Train" and "Paw Patrol," which have been known to emasculate human adult men. The child should be exposed to more affluent experiences.
4. YOUR WIFE'S BOOBS ARE NOT ALLOWED.
It's the ultimate forbidden fruit, one of the Good Lord's greatest practical jokes. The physical process of having a baby, as we all know, affects the size and shape of a woman's...assets. Because all men are unscrupulous, shallow jerks, this metamorphosis is always a good thing, almost miraculous.
Until that is, the new father goes insane and makes a move on his newly arrived progeny's sore and ultra-sensitive mother. This could lead to a smackdown worthy of Rick Flair (and also sad). The repercussions can be swift and severe, frequently resulting in a season-long suspension.
Man, for the love of God, turn your attention elsewhere! Those are no longer available to you! (Did they ever? Don't give that question too much thought.)
3. IT IS PERFECT TO ROCK YOUR BABY TO SLEEP.
At bedtime, modern baby books will instruct you to place your screaming child in the crib and walk away. This is supposed to assist the child in developing a sleep schedule and understanding that the crib is for sleeping. That's all well and good, but it takes one of the best Dad moments out of the picture.
(Tip: Before bedtime, make sure all noisy toys are off the nursery floor. Otherwise, the room becomes a minefield of items ready to moo, cluck, or bark at the slightest movement, undoing all your hard bedtime work.)
2. USE YOUR COMMON SENSE.
When you have your first child, you will be bombarded with advice, not only from family and friends, but also from books, Hollywood, and random strangers on the street — including me. Some of this advice will be useful, while others will be complete nonsense. Take everything with a grain of salt. Even though being a good father is not always easy, we should be able to figure things out if we use good, solid common sense. And if common sense fails you, just remember not to drop the baby on its head.
1. ENJOY THE CHILDREN'S YEARS.
For a father, having his first child can be exhausting. (Yes, it is obviously for moms as well, but this article is about dads.) Sleep deprivation, in particular, can make the first three to six months of your child's life feel like the Precambrian Period. You'll be wondering how you're going to get through it.
In search of a great gift for dad? Consider Fathers Day Coffee Cup Dad Can’t Fix Stupid. He will surely smile every time he drinks coffee with this mug.
Related: 10 Great Games to Play on Father's Day
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