6 Don’ts of Being a Step Dad
Taking on a wife with children is a noble act, but no matter how much you love and adore your new family unit, being a stepdad can appear to be an impossible and thankless job at times. Not only are you likely perplexed about your new role within this already established family, but the children are likely to be as well. To follow up on the ‘6 Do's of Being a Step Dad,' we offer you six tips on what not to do as a stepdad.
1. You do not intend to take on the role of Disciplinarian.
Even if you suspect that your new wife wants you to be in charge of disciplining her, it is not a good idea to do so right away. Your stepchildren may resent you for attempting to fill the role you've been assigned. Allow time for the relationship to settle and for a level of trust to develop between yourself and the children, a strategy advocated by researchers and psychologists for stepparents in particular.
It may take some time for very young children to adjust and learn to trust you, but if you are the stepfather to teenagers, they may never respond positively to accepting discipline from you. You must consider everyone's point of view, and it is best to discuss disciplinary approaches with your spouse ahead of time.
2. Don't take your stepchildren's misbehavior personally.
Have you ever noticed that when we take things personally, we tend to behave like children ourselves? If you have stepchildren, you should expect them to band together and rally against you on occasion. It could happen, at first sight, months before the wedding, as soon as you move in, or the first time their father shows up – but it's almost unavoidable that there will be a meltdown.
Try not to take things personally and look at things from their point of view. They are upset not only about the 'loss of one parent but also about you replacing him. During this stage, you will learn self-control and patience, which are two important lessons we teach our children.
3. Don't be the bad guy, even if your wife asks you to.
Perhaps your children are dissatisfied with mom as a result of the divorce or her marriage to you, but as stated in #1, now is not the time for you to be the bad guy doling out punishment. Your wife may want you to so she can regain her favor; however, you should have a serious discussion about your reluctance to do so. Make sure you tell her how you feel and why, and that you resolve the problem with your wife quickly and maturely.
4. Do Not Expect Recognition or Approval
Don't go in expecting the world's most polite stepchildren. Kids can be rude, to begin with, so don't expect them to treat you any differently as a stepfather. Keep in mind that they are unlikely to give much thought to what they say, and courtesies such as 'please' and 'thank you' are unlikely to be extended much either. Sometimes stepchildren are simply rude because they resent the divorce, not because they resent you. Anyone who has been a stepparent has had more than one day of frustrated pleas like, "I can't take it any longer!" Again, refer to #2 – Don't Take It Personally.
5. Do not intend to assume the role of 'Dad.'
Stepfathers frequently feel the need to compete with the child's paternal father in order to gain their approval. However, there is no faster way to get on their bad side than to try to replace their father. Children are already traumatized by the breakup of their family, and they do not want another father. It may hurt your feelings, but you should try to establish a trusting relationship with your stepchildren right now.
Do things with them that they don't do with their father, and start over – as if you're their stepfather.
6. Avoid making your stepchildren feel rejected.
Even if you are upset, do not make your stepchildren feel as if you do not care about them. Let them know you don't approve of their behavior but still adore them. It takes time to form a bond with children, and they are likely to be extremely sensitive to your disappointment and may harbor feelings of rejection. Eliminate them as soon as possible, and make your devotion to them clear.
Related: 5 Ways to Be a Great Stepdad
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