5 Hard Truths About Being a Stepmom
If someone had told me the truth about being a stepmother, I would have given it a little more thought before diving in head and heart first.
Don't get me wrong: I'm not saying being a stepmom is a bad thing. I'm not saying I don't care about my stepchildren. However, let us be honest and say the difficult things that no one wants to say.
Stepparenting can be a very difficult job. It is not for the faint-hearted or the weak-minded. To deal with what comes with the territory, you must be Ford-tough emotionally and mentally.
Here are five hard truths about being a stepmom that I wish I had known before I became one, the non-Brady Bunch version.
1. You will never be the mother of your stepchild(ren).
My feelings for my stepdaughter are as strong as if she were born from my own womb. She, on the other hand, felt that rebelling against me was a sign of devotion to her mother. And what child wants to betray his or her mother? It took years, but I was finally able to find peace when I realized that no matter how much love I show her, how many sleepless nights I spend worrying about her, how many tears I shed for her, no matter how much time, effort, and support I give her, I am not her mother.
2. Your best efforts may not be enough to help you build a relationship—So be you.
The stepmoms in my network all agree that we were all afraid to be ourselves at first. Personally, I am a bouncy, boisterous, trivia-obsessed, happy ball of energy. My stepdaughter was irritated by my demeanor. So I'd work really hard not to let my big personality take over the room because I have a tendency to do that. After making such a concerted effort to alter my usual demeanor, it was revealed that my stepdaughter was irritated by how mellow I was. As a result, I quickly realized that I should always be myself. Putting so much effort into changing myself in the hopes of gaining love was futile. She'd have to come around at her own pace. Until that point, everything I did irritate her.
3. Parents do not always behave as parents. Adults do not always behave like adults.
When you're a key player in the game of raising other people's children, it's difficult to watch the other parent prioritize themselves over their child. I couldn't believe the other parent was so careless and unconcerned about her child's life. Granted, I was aware that there were people out there who neglected their children, raised them poorly, and made poor parenting decisions.
However, I was aware of it in a broad sense. I won't bore you with all of the crazy, jaw-dropping, eye-popping, infuriating details. What I will say is that just because a person is of legal age to be an adult does not mean they will act like one. Most importantly, you cannot force them to behave like a parent.
4. No matter how much you do to assist your spouse and stepchild(ren), you may never receive the recognition you deserve.
Being a stepmom becomes more difficult when you feel unappreciated, used, unheard, and emotionally drained. It is easy to feel used when you love so much, but things like not being recognized on Mother's Day or other special occasions happen. The child may never express gratitude for being my extra parent and giving me your all. You must accept the fact that you are a wonderful person for supporting and loving your husband and stepchild (ren).
5. You can't just give up.
It's natural to want to give up as a stepmother. However, the reality is that if you stop being a stepparent, your only option is likely to be divorce. Few people, and rightfully so, will abandon their children for their spouse. One thing is certain: it's perfectly normal to feel as if you've had enough. It is acceptable to have weak moments.
You are not a bad person for feeling weak under high pressure and stress; it simply makes you human. It can be difficult to discuss it with your spouse at times, but it is the best thing for you and your relationship. Sometimes an unbiased third party, such as a therapist, is required to help sort through the weeds of emotions, denial, and personal issues in order to get to the root of the problem. Whatever path you choose, it must be one of communication. Quitting is not an option unless you are getting a divorce.
Related: 10 WAYS TO SUPPORT YOUR WIFE AS A STEPMOM
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